Never Too Young

A couple of weeks ago I performed for the first time since late 2013. After beginning to use my voice again at the beginning of May I had my work cut out to perform a recital of Lieder and English Song for the Brighton Fringe Festival on the 31st May. After stressing myself out about it to the point of tears on numerous occasions leading up to the event I had to give myself a slap around the face and as instructed by my singing teacher, cut myself some slack! The only person I wasn't good enough for it seemed was me. A familiar story for the past few years when it comes to singing I'm afraid. Why the hell was I beating myself up especially since the reason for not singing was unavoidable and has also left me feeling rather low a lot of the time. It's not like I was being lazy, I started silent practice way in advance to avoid the freak out I knew I was prone to having approaching a recital, but when I began to actually sing again why was I surprised that my stamina and support wasn't what it once was? Lying in a hospital bed for a couple of days each week, high as a kite on morphine to control the pain and then having those support muscles you've worked hard to train cut open isn't going to magically return to normal working order the moment you try to use them again! Silly Marianne. Still, you watch all the audition deadlines come and go, all your peers zooming ahead with their careers and you still standing there, stuck in vocal limbo and feel useless and like it's all your fault. Stupid cancer.




A couple of years ago a wonderful singing teacher said to me whilst I was mid beating myself up over not meeting my own standards - 'you have to remember that you're a human being before a singer' - at the time, this alone made me jolt with realisation. Was I? I was supposed to be a singing machine, was I not? I misunderstood the message somewhere along the way, my passion for my subject had overtaken me as a human and the result was disappointment in myself, I was always striving for more. Which is something that I greatly admire in people, but in myself I was striving for more than I was capable of at that particular time, inevitably resulting in misery and disappointment. The next bit of advice she gave me was another shock, '...it's more important that you have a nice life.' This conversation in the midst of my self inflicted misery was a pivotal moment in my life. I believed I was nothing if I was not the most amazing performer. Why was it a surprise to me that I should have a nice life?! So from that moment I vowed to myself I would have a nice life AND be a human which meant focusing on other things rather than just being a singing robot! Nowadays, this translates as sewing, knitting, crafting and more recently '100 Active Days' but like I said, it still creeps up on me from time to time!




So the performance at Brighton Fringe went really well considering and the venue asked us back, what's to complain about? My awesome pianist also very kindly donated his performance fee to Bowel Cancer UK's Never Too Young campaign! What a star! Similarly, this weekend I sang with my trio Sinopia for the Royal British Legion to mark 70 years since the D-Day landings and the audience had a grand time and gave us a standing ovation at the end. Isn't that what's it all about anyway? 


Following my operation at the end of January, I asked the surgeon when I could safely go back to singing. At the time I was in such pain that I couldn't have thought it possible but he said 3 months. He also said that me being a singer explained a few things - he and his fellow surgeons had been scratching their heads wondering why they were struggling to cut through my abdominal muscles during surgery. They said they would expect it with a big rugby player on the table but looking at this 5ft 1 wee thing they were a bit confused. Well at least I was doing something right! But now, back to the drawing board! 




After being inspired by Twitter user and fellow cancer survivor @EleanorHarwood I thought I'd join her in doing 100 Active Days. A twist on the popular 100 Happy Days which I began the day I got the all clear. For me, I'm hoping that taking part in 100 Active Days will help my stamina for life and singing get back on track. I have created a Just Giving page in the hope some people might give a little money to the cause. I'm only on my second day and there's already been donations so it seems to be working! I was particularly saddened at reading about the incredible Stephen Sutton who sadly lost his battle with Bowel Cancer recently but managed to raise over £4m for the Teenage Cancer Charity. I read that he was tragically diagnosed with constipation for months before discovering he had cancer. This is why I wanted to help raise some money for the Never Too Young campaign as this is also what I was diagnosed with for 5 months of my illness, cancer wasn't even on the radar it seemed as I'm only 27. For me it wasn't too late by the time they found it and I feel so so lucky. Some people like Stephen aren't so lucky so please donate via my Just Giving page and hopefully it can go towards setting up the resources needed to get the appropriate tests sooner, regardless of age.